Finding value in our aging

Aged loneliness

2010-06-24T12:48:00.000-07:00

We had not seen nor talked with each other for over a year. The difference in our political views had separated us. Then, just last week, I received an email asking to get together for lunch. I was a bit worried the political subject would come up along with why no communication for over a year. However, it did not take long to realize the real reason for getting together.
My friend is a 77 YO male who lost his wife to cancer 5 years ago. His favorite thing to do is pass on raucous and rank emails and surf the Internet. He has few friends, as many of them have passed on, especially his siblings. My friend was lonely.
Over lunch we updated ourselves about what each had been doing for the past year. After about 10 minutes and my update, his loneliness became evident. I could not get a word in. He was all over the place with his conversation obviously seeking a listener; he expressed a desire about finding a female of similar age and interests. With ensuing suggestions, the loneliness gave way to, “Yes, but, that would be nice, I couldn’t call her; she probably wouldn’t want to see an old guy like me.”
After about an hour of this, we were graciously interrupted by a woman sitting behind him who had overheard our conversation and got up to kindly share her thoughts. “Reed is right; there are many women out there who would love to meet you and just have someone to do things together with no strings attached.” She obviously was paying attention as she heard my name somewhere in the conversation. Later, we asked her to join us as her party disbanded.
Karen shared her own journey of losing her husband over two years ago and how she got back into social circulation after her grieving. The most impactful thing I heard her say was, “There is no future in the past.” I continued to hear the “yes, but” and decided to just listen to the two of them and later insert what I was hearing. I heard a lonely man, so confused and scared, he was frozen to stepping forward into any direction or social interaction, other than what he knew.
As I left the restaurant after a 3 hour lunch I wondered how many other people are in my friend’s shoes. With the aging of our population I am certain there are thousands of men and women who are afraid to connect with others of the opposite sex for fear of… whatever they can think of. Couldn’t we have done a better job teaching people how to fill up their own “self esteem containers?” Or is it about filling up our loneliness vases with wonderful experiences provided by the opposite sex?

Experiencing Changes in Those Around You

2010-06-08T14:39:00.000-07:00

I have noticed that many older adults often have difficulty with accepting changes in others; this seems to be especially true when this is a spouse. Fortunately, and unfortunately(?) (depends on how you look at it), not everyone ages at the same rate. Being able to ACCEPT and ADAPT to later life's mental, physical, and emotional changes in your loved ones can be quite a challenge for many, and often tests the patience of even those who have been the most tolerant and understanding.

Here's where the "for better or worse" comes into a marriage in full force. Can you still love your spouse even if he or she has a stroke, develop Alzheimer's disease, loss eyesight, or can't hear any more? Can you be accepting and forgive him or her for shortcomings? Again, be as flexible and adaptable as possible and realize that if the reverse was true - you were the one with this or that problem - you would want your loved ones to be accepting and understanding of you, even in your changed state.

How do you cope with these changes with your loved one? Respond with your thoughts.

Is our world coming apart?

2010-06-01T07:35:00.000-07:00

Recently, I listened to Bill Harris, founder and CEO of Centerpointe, in Portland, OR. Bill produces many growth and awareness materials, as well as a very good CD series for meditation and healing. I have used his materials for several years and find them very helpful. You can find his work at www.centerpointe.com. However, this is not the reason for my writing today.
In a recent webinar, Bill shared some significant thoughts from several of his newsletters. I thought they were important enough to pass on. The bullets below summarize his discussion.
Bill started out discussing how the mood of the society formulates societal actions. He showed a chart which demonstrated the rising and falling pattern of our historical social moods associated with changes in the political climate, stock market, economy, immigration, etc.
There certainly is no need to state we are in changing times. We see it through many world-wide events, e.g., climate change, political upheaval and polarization, strife among nations (war?), critical limits of natural resources (oil, water, land in places…), economic depression, rising sea levels, etc.
Bill shared these thoughts not with the idea of scaring anyone, but with the idea of preparing us for our own future. My motivation is the same.
According to Bill and his readings, the present social mood will result in some personal and social changes, e.g., (This certainly is not an all-inclusive list of changes)
• We will pay more attention to our inner life. There will be more focus on feelings, spirituality, and consciousness.
• We will become closer to friends. We will lean on others more.
• We will be more active in our communication. We will be more responsible for our communication with others and act accordingly.
• We will investigate more of what is really important in our lives. Less attention will be paid to superficial things.
• We will delve deeper into our personal and spiritual life. This certainly combines with bullets 1, 2, and 4. We will strive for greater connection with the source of universal power.
• We will develop more personal resilience.
What can we do personally to support ourselves in the coming times?
• Trust ourselves. Trust our intuition and our own judgments. (not value judgments)
• Get out of debt.
• Increase our personal resiliency. Understand and increase our threshold of stress.
• Develop a support network. (Friends, relatives, neighbors?)
• Find sources of non-biased information. Read those who will offer facts with their opinions and not emotional and judgmental arguments.
• Increase personal awareness. (What am I feeling at any one time? For what reason do I do things? What are my thoughts, expectations? What is important for my mental and physical health? What is my passion? Where am I going? Who is important to me?)
I have no investment in this material or of it being correct. I merely pass it on for your benefit. Should you like to follow up and watch Bill’s presentation, I think you can go to his website and find it. It is entitled: “Is our world coming apart?”
Peace, Reed

Fifty Years of a Youthful Marriage

2010-02-28T21:54:00.001-08:00

Can you imagine any other way to rejoice in aging than to celebrate 50 years of marriage with the one with whom you fell in love that many years ago? I had the pleasure of enjoying that memorable moment this last weekend. With two people, Pat and Diane, obviously still very much in love with each other, their 4 children, 9 grandchildren and about 200 friends and guests, I felt warmly included even though I only knew three people in the room.

In their 70’s, married in memorable 1959, the program included a brilliantly narrated picture musical by the bride’s brother. Fifties and sixties music reminded us how special we all were to have lived that era. We were introduced to each birth of the family, joyous family moments, and travels – to 81 countries over 50 years. The admiring twosome commemorated their time together by repeating their vows in a stunning ceremony of little pomp, yet great circumstance.

Later, over hors’ d’oeuvres and a chocolate cake to marry for, the guests shared stories among each other about their special times with the honored couple. When cutting the delicious cake the much respected couple spoke of their meeting, very short dating period and his mother getting into the act by declaring: “You better not let her go.” After only two momentous dates, the first of which she recounted Pat had roving hands, Pat later proposed through the mail by sending a ring to Diane’s mother to put on Diane’s finger.

During the eating and soft drink camaraderie I was introduced to a couple whom I was told were “in their 80’s.” They sat somewhat quietly at our table, she joyously smiling, and he with his hands all over her shoulders, holding hands, and they too obviously quite still in love. When speaking with George upon their departure, it was like a bolt from the blue with the strong character noticeably committed to mankind and his profession as a heart surgeon. Another person in love!

This afternoon shattered any potential myth of the older generation losing its youthful capacity to love another deeply over 50 years. I came away not only smiling, but with a rejuvenated sense of admiration for humankind and love for others, and that love does endure what many others have sometimes rebuked with cynicism.

To be able to love another with such depth after half a century, speaks not of aging, but of the continued beautiful bouquet of youth within our hearts. With the tumultuous past 50 years in our country, to still say, “I love you,” and mean it with emotion and tears, shows the extraordinary human heart’s capacity to love in spite of the external. Let’s celebrate our aging with a tribute; remember your age by showing your love to someone today.

Fishing the Headwaters of My Mind

2010-02-12T11:46:00.001-08:00

What is this aging and memory thing all about? I have been continually intrigued as to how I would think of things I physically revisited from the past. Yesterday I had an opportunity to check them out.

As a young teen I used to camp and fish with my family, aunts, and uncles at the headwaters of the Rogue River, near Crater Lake, OR. Our sites were always in the lush, dense, forest of large ponderosa and stately sugar pines. At the headwaters, and in this particular setting, the river had one small spot where one could jump over as it cascaded through a narrow channel in the hard volcanic basalt. Flowing gently and smoothly up to that point, the water would then squeeze into a torrent of whitewater awaiting to engulf anyone foolish enough to slip while attempting to navigate the crossing.

I would look forward to going to that spot when we camped in the area. I was confident fish were always on the other side of the river and I looked forward to searching them out. However, this particular visit was not for fishing; it was for remembering my eventful and carefree past there in that tranquil setting.

Camping and fishing with my aunts and uncles was always fun, as they took lengthy vacations annually to come from California to visit and fish with us. Doing so with just my family was never fun as mom and dad always had something to argue about. With dad’s sisters, it was entertaining as there were other stories and tales to listen to over the crackling and warm campfire. The stories always got more raucous as the adults continued their lengthy cocktail hour way into the night. We kids, on the other hand would suffer in quiet with our soft drinks and silent lips.

This particular visit was to see what the difference 50 plus years later would make. I walked around the camp sites we had spent so many hours with; I sat by the soft flowing stream above the narrow gorge. It was as though I had never left there. My memory was so drawn in, I could feel the fly rod in my hand; I could smell the smoke from the campfires in the area. However, there was a major difference.

In the earlier years I did not pause to enjoy my surroundings as I did in that moment. Earlier, I was carefree, wanting only to catch fish, and to catch the largest one so I would have something to be talked about over the campfire that night. I never gave thought to the possibility I could slip into the gorge while jumping the narrow channel. Ever the confident athlete and teen, the gorge was not even a thoughtful challenge.

Today, I was revisiting those moments. I wanted to test my memory for the truth of the experience and compare my perspective today against yesteryear. One thing that hit me was the thought, had I actually done those things, or were they something I manufactured in my mind? If I had done them, why had I not considered the dangers as I had been strongly cautioned about by all the adults with us? After all, another had jumped and not been so lucky. Why had I not earlier considered the serene beauty of the surroundings as I did on this particular visit? Surely the splendor had not changed; only the tree trunks were larger now.

The combination of aging and memory are a puzzle to me. The mind can be a tricky thing. Did I actually do what I remember, or were they fantasies cooked up to relieve the tensions of living with a drunk father. Were they my escape to a “castle on the river?” The one thing that mystifies me is I don’t ever remember catching a fish in that area. Now as I grow older I wonder if the line between reality and imagination is so blurred I may not know the difference. How about you? Do you know where you have been, or imagined it to be so?

Five Strategies to Survive the Slump

2010-01-28T15:43:00.000-08:00

Are you in an economic slump? Seems like many whom I speak with today are experiencing some species of crisis. A friend of mine and I were speaking just today about the additional burden upon the older generation. She stated she has talked with many who said they just feel like crawling in a hole.
Yes, no doubt, that can certainly be a legitimate feeling. On occasion I too have experienced just such a reaction. In fact, yesterday I was in just such a collapse. To add irony (and humor?) to my sorry state of affairs, I received a solicitation in the mail for cremation. I wondered, do they know something I don’t?
Then, after having a bit of a talk with my friend, and later with my mirror, I thought about my alternatives. After a few deep breaths it did seem like I had what it took to keep on going. I bet you do too; yet at times you may not have anyone to talk with about it, especially one who will really listen to your feelings. That is strategy #1, give your feelings a voice; find someone to listen to you and get the frustration, anger, confusion, anxiety, etc. out of the way. I am not talking about complaining and playing victim. Given that, let’s talk about some other things we can do to survive this present national and personal crisis.
One might be reminded of basic psychology and Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy; his lower levels of survival and safety are relevant to us today. You may recall Maslow was the one who theorized belonging, self esteem, and self actualization above the survival (food, water, shelter) and safety needs. In effect, we do not seek others, a healthier self esteem or all we can be until our survival and safety needs are met. With those ideas in mind, let’s investigate other strategies to as we endure the most unstable time in our country since the Great Depression.
Strategy # 2: Take time daily to remind yourself of what you have, and be grateful for them. I would bet there are many who have far less than each of us reading this. What each of us has in the way of material things is just that, material. We think they make us happy. If they did, why are we in such a lull? What about friends, a place over your head, available food, beautiful blue sky, rain to feed your veggie supplies, etc? How about your talents, i.e., ability to read, share thoughts and ideas with others, and a number of other unidentified talents.
Strategy #3: Just the fact that you have identified and offered gratitude for what you have will begin to change your feelings. However you choose to believe, give thanks to our creator for these things you have identified. Be thankful daily and see what it does for your outlook.
Strategy #4: Exercise! Sluggish body, sluggish mind. Moving the body is a prerequisite for moving the mind. Get out of the house, walk, shop, talk, do something. Get out of the “pity hideout.” Perhaps the car needs washing. Even those who are physically limited can do some movements to exercise the body.
Strategy #5: Find something to do. It matters not whether it is your present work (if you do) or a hobby. Do something. Begin or create something to occupy your mind, hands, and perhaps your heart and values. Doing something for someone else has a very great reward for us. I have a friend who is taking up the cause for the Haitians and collecting monies for them. Another friend is creating doodads to sell at art fairs. There is always that book you have wanted to write. How about now?
I would bet virtually all of us have been reminded at some time that there will be a point where we will look back and see how we survived this crisis. How have you thrived in earlier times? Today, the question may well be, did we survive it and are we thriving? It is all about acting on our perspectives. The difference between a rut and a grave is only the depth!

Aging and the job

2010-01-26T12:33:00.000-08:00

Ever thought about what you can and cannot do as you age? I was visiting a friend a week ago and was asked to help her with some odd repairs in the house. This happens quite often and we sometimes make a joke of working for food while there.
However, this time the repair was to replace a light fixture. It might have been considered a lack luster chore except for the fact that a whole different wire connection needed to be inserted in place of the old one. Nevertheless, this did not turn out to be the major work of the job.
To do the job accurately I would have to spend considerable time on a ladder working over my head. Available was a three-step ladder with a handle to lean against if need be. After my hands and arms gave out a few times we both took a break and considered the question of what we could, and could not do, given our age.
I was one to never be limited. Just two years ago I was 25 feet high up on a 40 ft. ladder thinking nothing of it. Now, I wondered if I should be on any kind of ladder at all. This transition of talents is a question for all of us as we age. What can we do and what ought we have someone else help us with, or perhaps have them do?
Yes, our egos are at stake, especially for many men; myself included. We have been the gallant home repair men for years. Now what? Yield to someone who may not do the work as well as we would? Hardly. Yet, our health is more valuable and more at stake than our ego, and most likely the job.
Perhaps a talent assessment ought to be done prior to each repair job. Some questions to consider might be: can I mow the lawn for 2 hours in this heat? Can I stand on this ladder for 15 minutes looking and working over my head? This object may too heavy for me, whom else can I get to help me? Is this job worth risking my health, or perhaps my life? Lastly, what is really at risk, my health, my ego, or the job being done well with nothing broken?
Reed Daugherity is a career consultant. He can be reached at reedcoach@earthlink.net or http://www.findingvalueinaging.com/

Aging Economics

2009-12-10T08:50:00.000-08:00

Have you given our economic situation any thought over the last year. Who hasn’t? Just last night I was speaking with a very close friend with whom I have profound discussions weekly. Part of our topic was the economic challenge as a single person. Today, much of our society is built upon two-incomes. So how do we do it as a single? Certainly wish I had the answer. This is a question I will pose to you all at the end. However, let’s consider some thoughts. Mind you, these ideas are posed more for those who want to participate in more independent living, vs. adult care facilities.
Living on less. At some time we all have most likely been struck with this point. I find as I get older, I need, and want far less than when younger. Wish I had known this then, don’t you? Is there any way to age our ego way ahead of our biology?
Sharing more. Some time ago I had a conversation about sharing homes with like-minded others. We ended up designing a home with several living-room-bedrooms which had a small nook area for individual cooking, if desired. In the middle was a large living-dining-room with a kitchen where more open and shared space could be enjoyed among the group. The number of bedrooms was dependent upon the builder and/or the desires of the owner(s). This would allow for individual and social time with others, sharing of some expenses and not having to be alone. Seems like a healthy benefit doesn’t it?
Living together. Perhaps many of you are way ahead of me on this; let me know. Sharing of expenses is certainly an admirable scheme, however is also fraught with chance. The variations on this theme are many and would require up front agreements: social only, or more intimate and sexual living together. Either way the economics could make sense. They could also work against the individuals if not discussed and agreed to in the beginning. However, wasn’t economics our motive to begin with?
I don’t propose to have the answer to any of this. However, I do know my economic situation needs addressing, perhaps sooner than later. How about yours?
Take a moment and respond with your thoughts about how you either “beat the challenging economics,” or what thoughts you might have. I look forward to hearing from you.

Adding your post

2009-11-30T18:58:00.000-08:00

We are delighted you visited the blog. If you would like to post a note please go to the upper right on your screen, sign in and begin blogging. Thank you!
Reed

2009-11-27T14:09:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving Day, a traditional day to pause, give thanks and then proceed to take advantage of our blessings and overindulge ourselves in the bounty of food we are grateful for. How many have felt so grateful after a meal so filling, the feelings of discomfort posited a pledge to not indulge so auspiciously again next year? To solve that quandary, this year I decided to singularly take matters, and food, into my own hands and stay home alone, fix a meal for myself so that I would not overeat and then wish for a digestive miracle.

Through the day I reflected upon what I was grateful for. First of all, my life and health have provided me a healthy body. At my present age, I realize, in comparison to many others who have gone before me, I could be on borrowed time.

Other things to be grateful for are my two children whom I do not have to be concerned about as they have always been very capable of seeing sensible and appropriate paths for themselves. My daughter has two delightful children whom have grown up so quickly. Being at a significant distance, I have missed so much of their growing young lives I wonder how I can ever catch up.

My home is comfortable and warm. Each day I read of those without a home with even more becoming homeless daily. We are a nation of so much, yet paradoxically, so many people with so little.

Some years ago I heard Jean Houston respond to the question about what she would miss the most if she lost it. It took her in tears to her knees when she stated, “my mind.” Being inquisitive seems to not completely describe my thirst for knowledge. I am so grateful to be able to continue to learn who we are and why we are here.

Continuous learning is critical to keeping a sharper mind. It allows me to continue to work at a sustained intensity to continue challenging my university students. They are part of my “universe” of understanding. Thank you.

Friends so close they could be siblings are an important consultative team that I can share the challenges of my life. As colleagues and friends, they are coaches I rely upon to investigate alternatives for future actions no matter what the topic. Thank you for being there!

Pets have not been much of a part of my life for the last 25 years. However, when my 8 week old Buddy (his appropriate name) came into my life and connected with me by sleeping under my neck I was smitten by the kitten. How could I not be grateful for a little guy who daily sits on my chest and rubs my neck?

I am forever appreciative and grateful for a spiritual guidance instilled at a young age that has continued to sustain me through mountains and more than just valleys. I have never doubted I would be OK. Thank you.

Lastly, a newly discovered writing gift to hopefully put thought and thoughtfulness to paper is more than just appreciated, I hope to value it in more ways than one.

No matter where each of us live, we all have much to be grateful. Our blessings may be camouflaged in many ways. These obstacles may be there for us to look beyond as the resultant may be appreciated more.

What are you thankful for today? I invite you to share with our readers what you are grateful for this Thanksgiving.

Finding value as we age; after the reunion.

2009-11-14T19:50:00.000-08:00

Sitting in my hotel room hovering over my lap top attempting to concentrate on my email, I began to notice my feelings of anxiety and some trepidation. I couldn’t put my finger on it, however, it was disturbing. As I spoke to a friend about it over the phone a few moments later, I identified the fear of attending my 50th high school reunion coming up in a matter of hours.

Over 100 of us, plus spouses and partners, were converging upon Grants Pass, OR to renew old friendships, stories, sports, classrooms, and teachers. In the back of our minds I am sure each of us wondered if we would know anyone. As I drove into town I looked carefully to see if I might know the person I was passing. Certainly, I did not want others thinking they did not know me. I had no idea what I was about to encounter.

Later, as I entered the room where the reunion was to be held, I took one brief look at those in the room and stated, “I am in the wrong place.” These people looked older than I thought myself to be. Immediately, I got caught up in the hoopla of the moment and the joy of seeing classmates I had not seen in 5-50 years. I even joked during my comments to the group that none of us probably see ourselves as old as the ones next to us.

As the evening wore on, I was becoming more aware of feelings deep inside. Stopping to identify them at the time would extract me emotionally from the entertainment and enjoyment of the moment. After all, it was a reunion to experience classmates with whom I had shared moments from joy to excruciating trauma some 50-54 years ago. Some even longer, as we attended Jr. High together. One of the things I shared with some classmates, with whom I had just walked off the golf course, was that I had never felt a part of my class. Just this sharing helped to feel a part. I wondered how many others felt the same way.

The weekend was tremendously enjoyable in so many ways. There were those who wore their silver and white hair like elegant manes. Others had aged beyond recognition; still others we would surely know in another 50 years.

As the weekend ended Sunday morning over breakfast and a spiritual service with some brief historical and individual anecdotes, I began to feel the rumbling in the pit of my stomach again. Later, my 10 hour drive home would help get in touch with what I now call my “mortality mirror.”
Many of our conversations over the weekend began with: “Well, I’m not on the board.” This was the memorial board of those whom had passed on. We all humorously joked about the possibility that each of us could be next and therefore not here for our next reunion 5 years hence. However, as I listened to my classmates, and later to myself, I understood many to be glowingly happy; some others still looking in pain, some seemingly in a haze; some retired, others still working. Underneath, there seemed to be an “unrecognized knowing” that our lives were on the downside of the curve. Many will not be there come 5 years.

I wouldn’t fully realize the impact of the weekend until some days after arriving home. I began to feel a sense of loss and grief. What I came to know was that on my “backside of the curve,” I didn’t know how much time I had left and I didn’t want to live it out without experiencing some of the glowing joy I had seen on a few of my classmate’s faces. I had written about it over the years, knowing it only from brief glimpses of my own experiences and the writings of others. I wanted more of what they had.

Poignant questions taunted me: What is my purpose now? What do I want now? What will make me happy? What do I have left to do? How much time have I left? Am I really happy now?”
I wanted to hear more from my classmates to enable me to put their stories into some context along with how they answered these questions. In total, I wanted more for my life. I stopped occasionally to wonder how some of them answered these questions.

Ultimately, I had a reunion with my Self. I have come more fully to realize my limited time here on terra firma. The rumbling in my crucible is that of change and challenge once again. It is time to get moving, not of retiring and reclining. To stop and consider the end is really stopping. To consider living is going on living.

As a result of my encounter I have decided to create this blog to enable others to share their thoughts about how they find value during their latter years as they age.

I am also planning to take a 9-12 month nationwide tour on a motorcycle to create awareness about what life we have left. During this tour I will interview seniors about their lives and how they find value in later years. For me, I want to fill as much of my life as possible living with joy and fulfillment no matter my age. I am also going to write more articles and focus on challenging more seniors to live more on the edge than “on the board!"

If you are a senior, how do you find value in your life? How do you find vibrancy? What keeps you going?
Reed Daugherity